I'm so glad you wrote and posted this, Molly. I kind of needed to read it for my own shake up with the head full of bullshit that has been toying with my quieter moments and my own attempts at writing, but as much as I've been so aggressively looking at so much in my life, I've been refusing to acknowledge a bunch too and it's just resting there, eating up behind the scenes gray matter, like some computer analogy that I would totally form if I knew more about how computers work.
Anyway, I'm really glad you cleared the decks and found some clarity. I think you might have helped give me a push to find some too. Thank you for that.
omg thank YOU for this. I have some weird thing about not writing about writing because it feels... self-induglent? Navel-gazey? Insider baseball? Pretentious? Boring? Whiny? I'm not sure what it is, but I find myself going "don't write ABOUT writing, just WRITE, you moron," which is both terrible advice and a very mean way to talk to myself. But/so it's very validating and helpful to hear that writing about writing is actually HELPFUL to people. WHADYA KNOW, writing the thing that wants to come out is the thing that people want to read. GOFIGURE.
And I know exactly what you mean. The analogy I use is having a piece of software open that you're not using but takes up a ton of memory and processing power, just sitting there, idling, all day long, making your whole computer slow FOR NO GOOD REASON. But do we shut it down? No. Or do we engage with the program? Also no. We just leave it there, on, to remind us to use it, like that's gonna help, and like we're gonna FORGET somehow. It's such a specific kind of mental torture.
I really do hope my clarity gives you some. Ultimately what it was for me was: figure out when I can't write and then just DON'T AND DON'T TORTURE MYSELF, but also, if there's something i'm avoiding writing and i'm trying to write something else, WRITE THE THING I'M AVOIDING.
I had a teacher who advised that when your'e stuck, write around the problem (which usually means writing about the problem you're having itself, and when I remember to do it, it usually works. My sister also talks about this in relationship conversations as "naming the bind." As in, if you don't know what you want to say to someone, or what you want from them, name the bind you're in - the dilemma you're having. At least that's a jumping off point, instead of staying stuck.
All of that is so well put, and super insightful. Thank you. Yeah, when I read it I didn't see writing about writing. I saw writing about the larger internal struggle against the backdrop of writing. That just happened to be the compromised activity. Also, I don't use "naval-gazey" enough. Ha!
I do really appreciate all of that, and though I haven't put it into practice with writing yet, I started feeling a bunch of stuff that has been kind of lingering under the surface as the day went on. Didn't feel great, not going to lie, but what's the alternative? Just let it hang out there and distract from everything that I do and exist with this swirling discomfort that no matter how I feel on the surface, is just sucking away my ability to truly be whole. I've lived so much of my life that way and it's such a shitty way to live, particularly now that I'm a bit more self-aware and can kind of see the seams.
I also like "naming the bind" (though I didn't have my reading glasses on until now and thought it said "naming the blind" which I also like very much, ha!). Good name to put on it. Turns out, facing your problems is kind of a good idea if you want any hope at being happy/fulfilled/peaceful.
Thank you! This all has been really helpful for me. You're awesome and I appreciate ya. Love you too. :-)
Dude. Turns out facing your problems is, like, the whole thing. Which apparently is something you have to learn over and over and over and over. And omg i am just clawing my way towards fulfilled and peaceful. Amazing how much work it is to be peaceful. Glad to be in this convo about it with you.
I'm glad you bring up the learning it over and over and over again of it all, because that's super true and it f'n sucks. The discipline it takes to maintain that frame of mind and not get swallowed right back into that ridiculous push-pull between toxic mental cycles and over-analysis is pretty herculean. I suppose it makes all the sense in the world because those cycles are entirely foundational to our make-up, and the neurosis that comes with trying to be self-aware can feel inseparable, but dammit! Ha! Having peace live over that gravitational fray. Not cool, existential design. Not cool at all.
Funny to think that a handful more hugs and maybe being pressed a little harder when I would try to hide little stupid things (poor report cards and for an easy example) could have made a marked difference in my whole persona (though every situation has its own unintended consequences, and those flaws are even important pieces of who we are). Blah, blah, I'm also responsible for who I am, more so just an interesting thought exercise.
omg RIGHT? I often think about what it would be like to be someone with less neurosis, more confidence, more... PEACE. And what would have had to be different, in my family dynamics, in my biochemistry, in the world, for that to be possible. And also I think A LOT about our own responsibility to grow and heal, vs how much grace we should be afforded (and afford others) because of circumstances beyond our control.
But yes. We keep learning the same lessons over and over and then we die. But at least we get to make some stuff and have cool friends in the middle of all that too.
I’m so glad you shared this. I’m so glad for the message and inspiration. And I’m so glad to see that little girl writing in her diary with all the thoughts popping out, doing that again today. I love you.
Thanks, shoe. I'm so glad too. Feels like something a very wise sister would have advised me to write (Oh it's so hard to write? just write about THAT...). Love you!
I feel 1,000 pounds lighter. I want to jump around and dance, except for, you know, not being able to do those things. Now here's to not putting another 1,000 pounds on my back next time...
Thank you so much for sharing this, Molly! You are awesome and yes, things are hard right now. So glad to have met you virtually and I hope we can continue our conversations.
Aw, thank you!!! And it really is comforting (though also terrible) that we're all feeling how hard it is. Like, at least it's not just me, and maybe it's not my fault, ya know? And I am SO GLAD we met too, and I look forward to our evolving interactions, collaborations, discussions, and more and more and more!
I'm so glad you wrote and posted this, Molly. I kind of needed to read it for my own shake up with the head full of bullshit that has been toying with my quieter moments and my own attempts at writing, but as much as I've been so aggressively looking at so much in my life, I've been refusing to acknowledge a bunch too and it's just resting there, eating up behind the scenes gray matter, like some computer analogy that I would totally form if I knew more about how computers work.
Anyway, I'm really glad you cleared the decks and found some clarity. I think you might have helped give me a push to find some too. Thank you for that.
omg thank YOU for this. I have some weird thing about not writing about writing because it feels... self-induglent? Navel-gazey? Insider baseball? Pretentious? Boring? Whiny? I'm not sure what it is, but I find myself going "don't write ABOUT writing, just WRITE, you moron," which is both terrible advice and a very mean way to talk to myself. But/so it's very validating and helpful to hear that writing about writing is actually HELPFUL to people. WHADYA KNOW, writing the thing that wants to come out is the thing that people want to read. GOFIGURE.
And I know exactly what you mean. The analogy I use is having a piece of software open that you're not using but takes up a ton of memory and processing power, just sitting there, idling, all day long, making your whole computer slow FOR NO GOOD REASON. But do we shut it down? No. Or do we engage with the program? Also no. We just leave it there, on, to remind us to use it, like that's gonna help, and like we're gonna FORGET somehow. It's such a specific kind of mental torture.
I really do hope my clarity gives you some. Ultimately what it was for me was: figure out when I can't write and then just DON'T AND DON'T TORTURE MYSELF, but also, if there's something i'm avoiding writing and i'm trying to write something else, WRITE THE THING I'M AVOIDING.
I had a teacher who advised that when your'e stuck, write around the problem (which usually means writing about the problem you're having itself, and when I remember to do it, it usually works. My sister also talks about this in relationship conversations as "naming the bind." As in, if you don't know what you want to say to someone, or what you want from them, name the bind you're in - the dilemma you're having. At least that's a jumping off point, instead of staying stuck.
So anyway yeah. Thanks for this, and love you!
All of that is so well put, and super insightful. Thank you. Yeah, when I read it I didn't see writing about writing. I saw writing about the larger internal struggle against the backdrop of writing. That just happened to be the compromised activity. Also, I don't use "naval-gazey" enough. Ha!
I do really appreciate all of that, and though I haven't put it into practice with writing yet, I started feeling a bunch of stuff that has been kind of lingering under the surface as the day went on. Didn't feel great, not going to lie, but what's the alternative? Just let it hang out there and distract from everything that I do and exist with this swirling discomfort that no matter how I feel on the surface, is just sucking away my ability to truly be whole. I've lived so much of my life that way and it's such a shitty way to live, particularly now that I'm a bit more self-aware and can kind of see the seams.
I also like "naming the bind" (though I didn't have my reading glasses on until now and thought it said "naming the blind" which I also like very much, ha!). Good name to put on it. Turns out, facing your problems is kind of a good idea if you want any hope at being happy/fulfilled/peaceful.
Thank you! This all has been really helpful for me. You're awesome and I appreciate ya. Love you too. :-)
Dude. Turns out facing your problems is, like, the whole thing. Which apparently is something you have to learn over and over and over and over. And omg i am just clawing my way towards fulfilled and peaceful. Amazing how much work it is to be peaceful. Glad to be in this convo about it with you.
I'm glad you bring up the learning it over and over and over again of it all, because that's super true and it f'n sucks. The discipline it takes to maintain that frame of mind and not get swallowed right back into that ridiculous push-pull between toxic mental cycles and over-analysis is pretty herculean. I suppose it makes all the sense in the world because those cycles are entirely foundational to our make-up, and the neurosis that comes with trying to be self-aware can feel inseparable, but dammit! Ha! Having peace live over that gravitational fray. Not cool, existential design. Not cool at all.
Funny to think that a handful more hugs and maybe being pressed a little harder when I would try to hide little stupid things (poor report cards and for an easy example) could have made a marked difference in my whole persona (though every situation has its own unintended consequences, and those flaws are even important pieces of who we are). Blah, blah, I'm also responsible for who I am, more so just an interesting thought exercise.
I'm very glad to be in this convo with you too.
omg RIGHT? I often think about what it would be like to be someone with less neurosis, more confidence, more... PEACE. And what would have had to be different, in my family dynamics, in my biochemistry, in the world, for that to be possible. And also I think A LOT about our own responsibility to grow and heal, vs how much grace we should be afforded (and afford others) because of circumstances beyond our control.
But yes. We keep learning the same lessons over and over and then we die. But at least we get to make some stuff and have cool friends in the middle of all that too.
I’m so glad you shared this. I’m so glad for the message and inspiration. And I’m so glad to see that little girl writing in her diary with all the thoughts popping out, doing that again today. I love you.
Thanks, shoe. I'm so glad too. Feels like something a very wise sister would have advised me to write (Oh it's so hard to write? just write about THAT...). Love you!
you wrote, you wrote! you are not alone 💕
THANK YOU * watery eye emoji *
Yay, you finished writing! Could really relate to the bumpy road and recalibrating expectations. Hope this takes a weight off your shoulders.
I feel 1,000 pounds lighter. I want to jump around and dance, except for, you know, not being able to do those things. Now here's to not putting another 1,000 pounds on my back next time...
Thank you so much for sharing this, Molly! You are awesome and yes, things are hard right now. So glad to have met you virtually and I hope we can continue our conversations.
Aw, thank you!!! And it really is comforting (though also terrible) that we're all feeling how hard it is. Like, at least it's not just me, and maybe it's not my fault, ya know? And I am SO GLAD we met too, and I look forward to our evolving interactions, collaborations, discussions, and more and more and more!